By Brenda

Ok guys.  Take your rock hard muscles and hard ass talk and all the disrespect you show us girls whom you degradingly call pussies and take the challenge.. I bet not one of you guys could handle being a pussy for just a week.  So here’s one for you and let me know if you have what it takes to BE A GIRL.

A WEEK AT GIRL’S BOOTCAMP

Monday: The first pain tolerance test you must have is a mammogram.  The average sized breast must be compressed enough to resemble a slice of lunch meat.  For a man to simulate the mammogram experience you will lie flat on your back while a 500 pound Sumo Wrestler stands on your chest.

Then you will be issued a brand new pair of pointy toed stiletto heeled pumps sometimes referred to as “fuck me” pumps because of its “hey baby come and get me” look that men just love.  The heels will be at least 3” inches high and you must wear them for the entire day.  Anything under 3” is for sissies.  Walking in high heels takes both skill and endurance and a fairly high threshold for pain.  After a 20 minute walk around the barracks to test your walking skill in your brand new high heels you will then strut your stuff out to the outer courtyard where you will engage in a pickup sand volleyball game.  Your heels must be worn at all times and not taken off during the game.  You must not wear any type of hosiery with your shoes. 

Tuesday:  A day of pampering???  You will spend the day at the spa. Sounds great huh? Instead of just a straight bikini wax at girl bootcamp we go the whole nine yards.  For your pampering pleasure you will be given a Brazilian wax.  For those of you unfamiliar with the dainty delights of being a woman, a Brazilian wax is a complete removal of the genitalian forest and that’s the whole enchilada or should I say taco leaving a thin and tightly cropped strip of hair called a landing strip.  You will be totally naked for this procedure.  Is there any pain involved?  Think Band-Aid removal after the Band-Aid was first applied with ceramic tile adhesive. Following this event will be the removal of all other unsightly visible hair on legs, toes, and back using the same waxing technique.  Following the waxing will be a body scrub and then your body will be cover with this crap that looks like guacuamole sauce.  An appropriate topping for your bald taco.

Wednesday:  Today you will be put to the pantyhose test.  You will start by choosing a brand new pair of pantyhose for yourself.  You will decide between small, medium, tall, queen size, medium tall, petite, nude, jet black, mist,  taupe, sandalfoot, reinforced toe, control top, sheer to the waist, reinforced panty, french cut panty, day sheer, evening sheer opaque, or lycra.  You will have exactly 25 seconds to make your choice.  Once you choose your pantyhose you must remove it from the plastic wrapping without sticking your finger into the hosiery.  You must then put them on.  Figure it out.  It’s a technical thing.  You guys love technical things.  A few seconds into putting on your pantyhose the phone will ring and you must answer it while putting on your stockings.  Then water from the kitchen will start to boil over and your must make a dash to the kitchen and turn off the stove while, of course, still trying to put on your pantyhose, then last the baby starts to cry Not a real one.  It’s just a baby doll.  We wouldn’t do that to you.  Or the baby.  You must pick up the baby in one hand and continue to put on the pantyhose with one hand.  If at any time your pantyhose gets a hole in them or a runner you must immediately recite five times any curse word that begins with “F”  then drive to the nearest J.C.Penney store and buy a new pair because that was your last pair.  This is a timed event.  The two best times get to wear thigh highs for the rest of the week.

Thursday: Being a girl is a day at the beach, right?  We’ll find out.  Today you get to go to the beach wearing a beautiful tiny thong bikini.  Some of our staff members only job at this point is to stare at your butt crack.  Awesome!!  Once you get to the beach being that this is no ocean to get wet in, you will be thoroughly hosed down top bottom and front to back.  Especially your butt.  Then you will sit down and squirm your but around in the sand to the tune of your favorite oldies.  You’ll do this until that crunchy old sand goes places where sand really shouldn’t be going.  Feel like a shower now?  When you get back to the barracks and if you find seashells accidentally stuck up your butt crack you will have to repeat this entire event.

FRIDAY: The last day of boot camp has finally arrived.  You will get to go home.  By now you should know what it’s like to be a pussy.  Not too bad huh?  Your final test of lady like behavior is to wear an up to there skirt and sit down in it without showing everyone what IS up to there.  Our staff will continually try to look up your skirt and if we can see your panties you must try it again.

Oh oh!  Your period came today and you have bad cramping.  Just when you thought you were home free.  You must drink a quart of vinegar mixed with a quart of whole milk.  We tried to get the cow where the milk came from to kick you in the stomach but she wouldn’t cooperate.

ADDITIONAL RULES WHILE AT CAMP:

1.       There will be meat, potatoes, beer, and soft drinks in the cafeteria but you will only be permitted to eat salad, rice cakes, tofu, and bottled water.

2.       While waiting in line ( any line ) you must stand up straight and keep both feet together.

3.       You must always, always, always, sit down to pee.  Even in the woods.

4.       You must be color coordinated at all times

5.       And lastly, you may roam the facilities during your free time to explore.  To end on a happy note, if you get lost while roaming you are aloud to ask for directions.

 Before leaving camp we must all gather in a circle, hold hands and sing the camp song.